SAUCY BITCHES...FOR REAL, TELL ME YOUR STORY?

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UM, I SHOULD HAVE BLACK BAR OVER SOMETHING?

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DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY, ONE OF THE BARENAKED LADIES

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PINK IS MY FAVORITE COLOR... FOR MURDER!

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HOW TO STOP A NOSEBLEED!

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JAWAS SUCK, WITHOUT A LITTLE BBQ SAUCE!

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MAN OF A THOUSAND FACES is born to be King!

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RARE AND GIANT and it wants to break free!

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THE PHANTOM RETURNS, His cans...

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MY PUPPET ON A STRING!

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IT'S ONE LOVE, ONE HEART...

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BOING, BOING, BOING...

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MOMMA SAYS "KNOCK YOU OUT"!

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DAVID BOWIE [1947-2016]... We can be heroes, just for one day!

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SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE... AND THE SAILOR MAN!

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Let it all hang out, with your Wang Chung!

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PUNCH JUDY, WELL AT LEAST KICK HER HAT OFF!

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Gotta Have FAITH, NO MORE!

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Aladdin Sane... By by... Sanity!

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To Those Who FART... and Girl's Do Fart Too, it's Not a Myth!

 

The Fart List
---------------------------------------------

The Alarm Fart - Starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed.
The After Shower Fart - That unwanted fart that occurs right after you walk out of the shower feeling fresh and nice.
The Amplified Fart - This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table, an empty 55 gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes.
The Anticipated Fart - This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
The Arrogant Fart - When the perpetrator thinks their farts don’t stink.
The Ass Blaster Fart - Like an M80 exploding in your ass.
The Atom Bomb Fart - The atom bomb fart is loud as heck, and it smells bad too. Also results in a big explosion, and everyone falls to the ground.
The Back Draft – The hollow, soul-rending fart that surprises even you.
The Back Seat Fart - This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?"
The Ballsy Fart/Gutsy Fart - You’re in a predicament where you would have to be gutsy in order to let it go...
The Banana Fart - A mostly silent fart that squeaks out an odorous gas that smells like a rotten smelly old banana.
The Bananana Fart - Same as above, but longer...
The Barking Spider Fart - A non-smelling fart which occurs in a crowded place. The farter cannot be identified and the sound is therefore blamed on a 'Barking Spider'.
The Barn Owl Fart - A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.
The Barrel Of Laughs Fart - The kind of fart when you feel it coming a mile away, so you go and sit on your friends lap and let her rip. Sounds like some one's rolling a barrel down your butthole.
The Bathtub Fart - People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like farts don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound, I should point out, depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing.
The Bear Fart (aka Nightmare On Smell Street) - The kind of fart that will wake you up at night because it smells so bad! They can be either silent or noisy - But they are the stinkiest farts imaginable! "Only a bear (with a bears' diet) could produce a smell that rotten."
The Beefy One - Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and dog poop.
The Biggest Fart in the World Fart - Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. It can occur just about anywhere, but the most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size. Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters.
The Bitburr - Sounds like just that – you're walking and the initial explosion "BIT!--" during one step is followed by a more gentle release of the rest of the volume during the next step: "brrrrrr..."
The Blame It On The Dog Fart - The dog did it, not me.
The Blind Date Fart - Happens while you are on a blind date or meeting new people. While getting to know each other, looking your best, and putting your best face forward -BRRAAMP- You pray that it wasn't heard, and try to play it off while others look uncomfortable.
The Bowl Fart - While squatting on the bowl, anticipating the arrival of a brown trout your gut blazes a trail for it by blowing a massive blast. The deep dish and hollow bowl allow for a nice reverb effect.
The Breaking Dawn – A fart that wakes you up.
The Brewer Fart - You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.
The Bubble Bobble Fart - This type of fart occurs while one is sitting. As one sits down, a gaseous bubble fart pokes out just a little bit under ones butt to cause a rocking sensation, as if one is sitting on a beach ball.
The Bubble Fart - You feel it at the edge of your ass and you think that it is gone but then it pops and is one of the most smelliest farts possible.
The Bubble Gum Fart - A bubbly but wet fart that smells so horribly bad you don't even enjoy it.
The Bubble-O-Bill Fart - In the shower, cup your hands around your trouser trumpet, fill up with water, and blast away! Kind of sounds like a cappuccino machine.
The Bubble Wrap Fart - Farted by secretaries or people who sit a lot during the day. Known for it's bubble wrap popping sound effect, which is similar to a machine gun, but much duller. Much effort goes into keeping this fart concealed, but when it is expelled, it's a real gas. Bus drivers encounter this fart, but cover it up by reving the engine.
The Buddah - This fart is the mother of all farts. It starts out like a car's engine, vroom vroom, and then it back fires (*BOOM*) and it knocks the family cat a couple of miles.
The Bullet Fart - Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of fart foods, such as beans.
The Bunbuster Fart - Sounds like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.
The Burning Brakes Fart - A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually an adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts, which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't, you know who farted.
The Burp 'N' Fart - It's when you burp and fart at the same time - but it doesn't happen often.
The Butt Rocket Fart - This scary but predictable fart is provoked by eating large quantities of fast food at one sitting. It doesn't make any appreciable noise until it is just about through. It is similar to the worrying fart inasmuch as the necessity to check your shorts for a stain is imminent. The smell is similar to that of a small child you just picked up and discovered that they pooped in their pants an hour or two earlier.
The Buttripper Fart - The kind that comes out so fast and hard that it rips your cheeks apart and makes you cry for all hell. And it smells horribly too.
The Camo-Fart - If you're sitting in class one day and suddenly a little squeak pops out, if someone asks you if you farted, be sure that your desk is tuned properly so that it may squeak at the same frequency as your fart. Then tell the person that it was your desk.
The Car Door Fart - Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.
The Cat's Meow Fart - Sounds like slowly dying cat and lasts roughly 7.5 seconds. Also, the wrinkled grin/face of agony has to accompany it.
The Celestial Fart - Any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.
The Chicken Soup Fart - One day I had chicken soup for lunch at work and then stopped off at the gym after work. When it came on, I eased it out, covered by the gym's Muzak. It smelled exactly like chicken soup. A few feet away some woman sniffed and said; "Is somebody cooking?" I had to turn to the wall to hide my laughter.
The Chinese Firecracker Fart - This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.
The Church Hymn Fart - The kind where you're sitting in church, you bend over to pick up a hymn book, and -PBBBBBBT!!!- a giant fart rips out. Fate dictates that you are sitting next to an old lady, who will scoot down the bench, looking disgusted.
The Command Fart - Can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. It is intended to be noticed.
The Common Fart - This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds.
The Compost Fart - You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.
The Computer Fart - The kind where you are playing on the computer, and it just slips out.
The Cracker Jack Fart - Just like the well-known caramel-covered chocolate treat, the Cracker Jack fart comes with a surprise in it -- and off you go to the bathroom walking funny and hoping they are not out of toilet paper.
The Crop Duster - You walk past a person, group, or crowd and silently fart, so they can smell it and think someone else did it. Basically, it is defined as farting while walking.
The Crowd Fart - The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one.
The Cushioned Fart - A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much.
The Dark Wind – A ghastly, somewhat damp fart.
The Delayed Reaction Fart - You have the urge, but it goes away. You go on about your business and a few seconds, or longer, later, 'BBRRMMPHH'....
The Did An Angel Speak Fart - This is any loud fart in church.
The Didgeridoo Fart - Only emitted after some sort of surgery. The result of gas and air trapped in the body during the procedure. They are long, loud, and alternate in notes. Often exaggerated when the farter laughs.
The Difficult To Let Out Fart - In company you feel the strong urge to fart, but people are around you, so you squeeze your asshole to stop an explosion - preferring to slowly open and squeeze the hole in quick succession, to let the gas escape silently.
The Dog Whistle Fart - You can't hear it, but someone is going to know it's there.
The Dud Fart - A fart that fails. It is the most private of all farts, and most of the time the farter feels a little disappointed.
The Dutch Oven - A fart you make in bed, followed up by holding your partner's head under the bed sheets so that they can get the full effect of it. Good for moving a stalled divorce process along. Very bad early in your marriage.
The Echo Fart - This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
The Eggy Fart - Smells very much like rotten eggs. A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
The Escape Pod Fart - You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
The Electrical Fart - Sounds like they have some juice in them.
The Exploding Mouse Fart - While trying to hold it in, some gas gets out making a squeak noise, and since relieving yourself a little bit felt so good, you let the rest out in a huge BRAP! Resulting in the exploding mouse effect...
The Flapping Flutter Fart - This one's an earth shaker, but not too deadly on the odor side. It's distinguished by its long and loud flutter sound, and its marked vibrations are felt by all who are on the same bed or sofa.
The Flatus – A stately fart. If it were a person it would wear a monocle.
The Floral Flatulence - These olfactic confections are typically generated when on vacation in tropical destinations. They are formed from the vacationer's new diet of wild fruit drinks, coconut oils, and various local foods. They are very unique, and to the expulsion expert they are among the most pleasant scented. Some have often tried to bottle this scent, but it cannot be captured.
The Flutterbuster Fart - Farting whilst seated on a vinyl covered surface.
The Foggy Window Fart - You're sitting in the car at night or early in the morning, and after some time of getting the windows defogged, someone has to fart and fog the windows back up.
The G and L Fart - This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
The Ghost of Dinners Past – Smells of what you ate a good three meals ago.
The Ghost Fart - A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
The Glad It Wasn't Mine Fart - So nasty in smell, odor, and sound, that you have to thank God it didn't come from your behind.
The Gobble Fart - Sounds like a turkey gobbling....
The Greetings! Fart - You let one rip as a greeting or a way to say, "Hi!"
The Growling Fart - Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
The Gunshot Fart - Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named."
The Had To Poop But Only Farted Fart - You run to the bathroom with the urge to purge and you let her rip, only to find that you had a huge fart.
The Harmonica Fart - Usually short, high pitched, in a series of notes. If strained, they have been known to bend and change. And sometimes the small ones get sucked back in.
The Hay Fever Fart - You fart at the same time that you sneeze.
The Hershey Squirt - Feels like a silent burst of air but surprisingly you have a scrumptiously, gooey, squirty surprise.
The Hic-Hachoo-Fart - This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccup, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well." There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.
The Home alone Fart - A loud, smelly one you lay in the comfort of your own home.
The Horror Movie Scare Fart - You're watching a horror movie and by either suspense or fright, you let one rip.
Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart) - Leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
The Independence Day Fart - Such an explosive whopper that it sends everyone screaming out of the area.
The Interrogative Fart - Starts out low, and rises in pitch towards its conclusion. Sounds like your ass is asking a question.
The It's Stuck! Fart - Usually a timid fart (not much air) while you’re sitting down, but when you let it out, it sticks between the cheeks as a tiny air bubble. And no matter how hard you try, you just can't pop the sucker out, no matter how hard you squeeze.
The Jail Fart - Been doing time inside you for quite awhile and releasing it would be a crime.
The Jerk Fart - The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
The John Fart - Any ordinary fart farted on the toilet. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to, he will be disappointed for sure. Kweeeeef Fart - Sitting in band class with perfect posture when you let a fart that sounds like a squeaking clarinet.
The Kettle Drum Fart - Beats hard against your chair to emit a low, reverberating, rumbling sound.
The Kweeeeef Fart - Sitting in band class with perfect posture when you let a fart that sounds like a squeaking clarinet.
The Laughing Fart - When you are laughing so hard at something you fart, and you can't deny it because everyone heard it and you might as well admit your guilt.
The Lead Fart - The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
The Liquid Fart - It happens when the fart comes out in such a form that it feels like some sort of diarrhea - even if it isn't.
The Lonely Fart - This is the type you do when you're on your own, so you don't care about the smell or the noise.
The Loud And Deadly Fart - Like the silent but deadly fart - except it is heard by everyone, and it will cause people to faint.
The Malted Milk Ball Fart - Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls.
The Mario’s Jump Fart - Named after the famous and acclaimed Mario Jump, which, well, ..you know... sounds like Mario's Jump -TOUUNG. Rather Quiet.
The Mexican Fart - The one that reminds you of the taco you had the night before and it makes you hungry.
The Migrating Fart - This fart sneaks out of your butt and remains there feeling about the size of a walnut or small tomato. It is when you sit up in a more erect posture that you feel it inch its way upward between the crack of your ass until the crack stops. The fart then apparently dissipates somewhere behind your back or perhaps inside your shirt.
The Mk47-Fart - Sounds like someone shoved an MK47 up your ass. Let it rip, because it goes on for a while.
The Morning Fart - The first thing out of bed fart. Long, loud, and not too smelly.
The Mothball Fart - Noted for coming from elderly folks - usually in a casual manner with little to no noise. But when the scent is out - it reeks of mothballs and all once kicking bugs fall limp to the ground...
The Motor Boat Fart - Starts with a modest "put", then follows up with a series that sounds like someone firing up an old 5 horse 2 cycle outboard motor and speeding off across the lake.
The Motorcycle Fart - When someone is riding on the back of your motorcycle and you fart, they can usually smell them.
The Mouth Fart - Comes out the other end but you couldn't tell by the smell.
The Movie Theater Fart - You are sitting in a movie theater and you have to let one go, so you wait for an opening, such as a big explosion, to let it go.
The Musical Fart - This is most common with elders entertaining small children. The fart is performed by first setting up the incident with a musical beginning, such as "I'm Popeye the Sailor Man." Toot-Toot. The Toots are replaced with the musical fart. Two poots in rapid succession. The notes do not vary much. Another good song to set up this fart is The Addamms Family Theme (Da Da Da DA...Toot-Toot).
The Never Ending Fart - This is the fart that doesn't end... Yes it goes on and on my friends...
The Nonchalant Fart - This fart is normally associated with the elderly. The fart is very audible yet the farter just continues with whatever activity or conversation he or she happened to be engaged in as if it had never happened. It makes you wonder if they actually realized they did it.
The Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart) - You feel the presence of a mighty fart, but are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but it usually a game you can’t win.
The Oh My God Fart - This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg.
The Omen Fart - This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the bathroom. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
The On The Spot Fart - You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly “Brrmp”.
The One Cheek Sneak Fart - This fart happens when you put your weight on one butt cheek and lift the other up. This is totally silent but often has disastrous results about two minutes later.
The Organic Fart - Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
The Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Fart - OH, MAN!! Does this one BURN!
The Panty Fluff - Women don't fart, they “panty fluff”.
The Phish Fart - When this bad biscuit erupts, it has a catch of the day scent.
The Piggyback Fart - Only occurs in those situations where it would be a “personal disaster” to fart (e.g. crowded room, business meeting). You are holding onto this bad boy for dear life when suddenly someone else drops a LOUD one. Before the noise of this one has finished you let one rip as fast a possible so both farts sound as one. This is easy if you are near the other person. If not then start talking loudly about the amazing echos in the room.
The Plain Jane - One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.
The Point Blank Fart - A prank done on a unsuspecting victim by pointing your anus toward the victim's face. This is successfully accomplished when the victim is sleeping or watching TV. Likely victims are siblings, spouses, and in-laws.
The Polite Fart - You feel the urge and excuse yourself to the other room where you politely let her rip.
The Predator Fart - This fart is a high-velocity number that smells like a bag of duck guts. It seems to actually seek out a victim after leaving its maker. Usually an innocent friend in the back seat of the car or a couple of seats away in a theater. The predator fart will skip over others and wrap itself around its victim with a vicious fury.
The Prelude To A Poopie - You feel like you have got a large Beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
The Present - The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.
The Prorr-Wooort Fart - That's the nice, long, modulated sound it makes... Best achieved with pants down.
The Pull My Finger Fart - You ask someone to pull your finger when you feel a big gassy fart come. After they pull your finger, you fart in their face.
The Pumpkin Fart - A warm, dry, fart that smells like an old Jack-O-Lantern. An aroma pleasing to the creator, but one which will clear a large room.
The Quiver Fart - When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
The Rambling Phaduka Fart - You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak, as though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
The Really Good Fake Fart - Someone make a noise that sounds like a fart and blames it on you or someone else.
The Relief Fart - Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common.
The Reluctant Fart - Probably one of the oldest farts known to man, it is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half a day in some instances.
The Rusty Gate Fart - The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. It is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
The Sandpaper Fart - This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart.
The Satan’s Bugle – A high, keening wail that makes others uncomfortable.
The Shaking Fart - The one you get during class or a meeting and holding it in makes your body convulse.
The Show Off Fart - A fart that you purposely give off to show what a loud smelly one you can make.
The Shower Fart - These are a lot worse than bathtub farts, due to conditions of humidity and heat. George Carlin once said that you can tolerate the smell of your own farts, but shower farts are the exception to that rule.
The Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart - The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.
The Silent But Violent Fart - This type of fart is not heard, but will cause facial hair to disintegrate, nasal passages to blister from the burn, eyes to water, and nausea.
The Silent...But Eggy Fart - The kind of fart you do when you're with a crowd. It is silent, but smells like a rotten egg.
The Sitting High Jump Fart - The fart you unleash on the toilet when you need to get it out in a hurry. Mostly happens in public restrooms when you believe the bathroom is empty but may become occupied at any moment. Named for the rocket-propulsion action of the odor cloud.
The Skilsaw Fart - A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric Skil saw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive.
The Small Fart - It's the kind of fart where you just hear a “beep”.
The Snart - This is a fart that you succeed in suppressing so as not to not to offend, but then a sneeze jars it loose.
The Sonic Boom Fart - The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows.
The Spanish Class Fart - When you are sitting in Spanish and fart really loudly and say you were trying to roll your r's.
The Sphinctal Napalm - Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Never mind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
The Splatter Fart - The wettest of all farts, it probably should not be called a fart at all.
The Squeaky Fart - Sounds like “Wheeek”. Normally smells foul.
The Staged Fart - This little number comes out in small bursts of the same length. It smells like a sack full of assholes.
The Stalker Fart - Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devil’s breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticized for poor manners.
The Stay Awhile Fart - The one you let rip in bed a couple nights ago, that is still there and smells even worse.
The Stealth Fart - A stealth fart is similar to the Point Blank fart but uses the silent-but-deadly fart. Very effective when you are bored at a party. Just when you’re ready to release your SBD, you would walk toward a group of guests and then release your payload and slowly walk away. Then the guests won't know what hit them when your payload reaches equilibrium.
The Steam Whistle - When you are trying so hard not to fart that your buttocks are clenched too tightly for the fart to exit in the normal way and instead it migrates upward and comes out the top of your crack with the shriek of a steam whistle on a Mississippi River stern wheeler.
The Stolen Fart - Someone else lets it, but it's so good that you claim it.
The Stutter Fart - If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
The Subterranean Yawn – a long, drawn out fart that keeps going after the sound dies off. The Synchronous Fart - More than one person farts in sync. Sounds neat.
The Taco Bell Fart - Far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day.
The Tandem Fart - Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose.
The Teflon Fart - Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right they will never know.
The Tension Breaker Fart - Usually during a test or some stressful meeting where everyone is concentrating, and someone in the room lets a fart that, rather than making people gag, makes everyone laugh. Then of course, if it was at school, people start imitating it.
The Thank God I'm Alone Fart - Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast.
The Tickle Fart - Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.
The Timex Fart - Very rare fart, lasting at least 10 minutes - if not longer.
The Timid Fart - Short, sweet, petite, not much odor, and not much air.
The Toot-Uncommon - This fart is one that happens when you are asleep and therefore not in control. Like the mummy of the famous Egyptian ruler, you lie still while it rips out. The sound may not awaken you, but the smell surely will, particularly after a night at the bar. The Egyptian theme can be carried further if you trap your partner under the covers and cause him/her to share in the experience, much like the burial of an Egyptian queen in the same tomb.
The Triple Flutter Blast - This is the fart that occurs after a hefty Chinese meal. To properly “perform” it, one leg must be elevated and resting on a convenient chair or stool. It happens in three short but powerful bursts.
The Trombone Fart - Starts out low and then slides upward to a higher pitch.
The Trouser Ripping Special - Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
The Trumpet Fart - High pitched, with a staccato quality. Quite brassy.
The Tuba Fart - Loud and low-pitched.
The Twist-Of-Fate Dog Fart - The dog lets a fart so big that everyone blames it on you.
The UFO Fart - Stands for "Unidentified Foul Odor". When someone farts in crowded room, but nobody knows what the rotten smell is.
The Underwater Fart - Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order light them on fire.
The Underwear Ripper Fart - Sound alone is diagnostic with this fart. It will usually happen when the person is sitting down. It is one of the longer farts, and will sound so much like a piece of cloth being ripped that it can fool a person sitting in the next room. Naturally it will not fool the farter. He will know he has not ripped his underwear. But right then he may not be too sure about anything else.
The Up-Tight Fart - When the person knows he has to fart, like it or not, and he gets even more up-tight. He may snap his spincters shut like a steel trap, but out comes the fart. Squeak, squeak, squeak. It is embarrassing for everyone.
The Vantriloquist Fart - This is something that just happens. It is doubtful if anyone can learn to throw his farts. But sometimes, if all the conditions are right, it will happen. And the person sitting next to the farter will look surprised and embarrassed and the farter will look suprised and pleased. This will have been a Ventriloquist Fart. It is an extremely hard one to identify unless you are the farter.
The Vibrating Fart - The person sitting next to you can feel it.
The Waker-Upper Fart - The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.
The Walking Fart - The kind that makes a little sound every time you take a step.
The Who Cut The Cheese Fart - Someone has got to say "Who cut the cheese?" when the fart is first noticed or it cannot be called a Who Cut The Cheese Fart. It may or may not have an odor like strong cheese, but it will have an odor.
The Windy Fart - The sort of fart which goes “Whoosh”, and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
The Worrying Fart - The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.
The Yodel Fart - Sounds like a fart whose voice is changing, or like a yodel. It can be either a Swiss mountain yodeler type of yodel or an American cowboy singer type of yodel.
The Yo-Yo Fart - This is a spectacular fart. A real dilly. Sound alone identifies it. It starts out on the highest fart note possible and goes all the way down to the lowest fart note possible. And then, to the amazement of everyone, it comes all the way back up again. Extremely rare.

Ha... Haa just that I had a brain fart the other day, it got me to thinking! I would say "ENJOY" but... you know! Copy and Paste this to a printable document... as it serves as a good bathroom read.
Jeremy

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I am everywhere: TWITTER, FACEBOOK, HOWLIN’ WOLF: OLM and HBA [HORROR SITES]. Last visit MY T-SHIRTS STORE at NEATORAMA something always going on and it is one click away!

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Welcome 2016 with a Duel of Lightsabers!

Well hello, here we are in 2016... where would you like to be, did you make any resolutions and thoughts you would like to share with others.

This year for this place is to fill it with all those things I promised to share over the years, my goal to open a folder share until empty and then throw out the original. Why, well because I haven't done anything with most of them and it's just space...

My resolution is too be more healthy, it's been like a roller coaster over the years and I need to be better... period.

Thoughts of turning off the comments, so you can visit without worrying I will be upset... life right now is at it's busiest for me as I have taken on more. More work, more freelance and well the darn health thing... I hope you all have had a great 2015, but let us lead into 2016 with a duel...

I just slapped you with the virtual white glove across your face, duel on! :)

-Jeremy [Retro] 

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I am everywhere: TWITTER, FACEBOOK, HOWLIN’ WOLF: OLM and HBA [HORROR SITES]. Last visit MY T-SHIRTS STORE at NEATORAMA something always going on and it is one click away!

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